Words by Emily Gillies
I stare down the aisle looking at your cross, and I feel the tears roll down my cheeks. How did it come to this? How did I become so lost? How did I stray so far?
I want to run away because I feel my sin creeping towards the surface, exposing the cracks in my mask. But I don’t. Instead, wordlessly, I walk forwards. I fall to my knees, bow my head, and close my eyes. I need your help.
Dear God, please forgive me, for I have sinned. My tears stream more freely down my cheeks, and I feel heaviness in my heart. God, I’ve been running. Running from you. Running from your love, your devotion, your direction. I’ve been running from you.
My child, I am here and listening.
I open my eyes immediately and look around the chapel. Seeing no one. I cautiously close my eyes slowly and then re-open them. Again, no one is here. I shake my head and clasp my hands in prayer.
God, I’ve been foolish. For you keep directing and guiding me towards you. But I keep denying your love. Denying your guidance. Denying you.
My child, I know, and I forgive you.
I do not open my eyes. I do not unclasp my hands from prayer.
Yes, my child?
Are you here?
I am always beside you.
But you’re talking to me? In my mind? Am I going crazy?
All of a sudden, my brain feels on fire, my eyes feel like lead, and I have no control over my mind.
My child, you have called, and I have answered. I am the great and Holy God.
Why? Why are you talking to me?
Because you are my child.
I feel my tears stream freely.
God, I have so much sin inside me. It scares and overwhelms me. How can I move on? How can I let go? I need your guidance.
My child, you have to let go. You have to give me your sin. You have to trust me. Don’t punish yourself. I am the judge, not you.
But how do I move on?
Behind my eyelids a flash of pure light lights my mind. The words are loud and clear.
You must let go and hold my hand.
Good. What else is troubling you, my child? There is darkness clouding your heart.
I want to bite my tongue and hold back, but you can’t hide your sin from God. He sees everything.
God, I feel so lost. I have no idea where you want me to go. Where I should be? I am so lost.
My child, you will always have these stressors in your life. Sometimes I will guide you directly through them, and sometimes I will seem silent. But know that I am present alongside every obstacle and opportunity you face. I have plans for you.
What do I do in the meantime?
You wait and listen for my voice.
Will I always have this connection with you, Lord?
No, my child. But I will always be beside you, waiting for you to take my hand so I can lead you to your work and rest in my kingdom.
Will I be okay?
My child, you will hit some dark and good times. I don’t promise you an easy life, but a good one.
Thank you, God Almighty. I love you and I will never turn my back away from you.
You cannot promise that. You can promise that you will rebuild your devotion, use me as your crutch, and give me everything.
God, I will.
My child, I love you. When in pain or suffering clasp your hands together in prayer and search for me. For I am your mighty, holy, and just God.
Thank you, God. In Jesus name, Amen.
I open my eyes and stare at the cross with a smile.