Written by Katie Pezzutto
My upbringing wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t ideal. As I’ve covered in previous articles, when I was twelve my mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, a debilitating nerve disease. Around the same time, my dad left us.
With dad out of the picture and mom living in a long-term care facility, I bunked in my grandparent’s windowless basement. My grandmother tried to make it homey, but it was a depressing space. The concave of a room reminded me of my heart, containing so much grief but constricted by circumstances out of my control.
During those years, I often took my car into the mountains to try and escape the loneliness. The day I’m about to recount wasn’t any different. I remember the pain of loneliness was heavy and I needed a healthy distraction. I gassed up my phantom grey Toyota, shot out onto the icy highway, and made my way to a nearby mountain range to take pictures.
As I snapped shots of pristine the ice and undisturbed snow beds, emotion overwhelmed me. If not for her chronic pain and the limitations of her wheelchair, my mother would be out here with me. As for my dad, who knows? I wasn’t enough to make him want to stay. And even if he was around, would he care enough to encourage me in the art forms I love?
I bit my lip and stared at my footprints in the snow. “God, everything hurts. I need you, so much.” My proverbial mustard seed had taken flight and all I could do was wait. I stared at the snow-tipped peaks that stretched from east to west. In response to my prayer, no ancient foundations shook. The mountains remained unmoved.
I rubbed my hands together, gripped my camera, and stared at the sky. Birds flew above silently. I would give anything for my heart to be free like they were. Anything.
Something cool landed on the edge of my hand. A perfectly formed snowflake. As I studied the delicate pattern, I heard it. My heavenly Father’s voice echoed through the empty cavern of my heart.
It wasn’t merely a word; it was a promise.
The cattle on all the hillsides are mine. I know the intricacies of what comprises you. I will provide you with exactly what you need. (Paraphrased from Psalm 50:10, Psalm 139:13, Philippians and 4:19, Psalm 68:5).
Life is far from perfect. Things happen that we can’t explain.
Regardless of the circumstances surrounding our upbringings or our understandable reservations, we need to trust that God has our best interests in mind.
He wants to be with us. He wants us to feel Him near and to bring comfort when life is full of pain and answers seem far away. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
Questions to ponder
- Are there areas of your life that you have been holding back from your Father God? Remember, He is an approachable father who wants to help you. Consider on the truths expressed in Hebrews 4:16 and Psalm 138:3.
- Do you not trust Him because of something that happened in your past? Take time to approach Him and ask the tough questions. While waiting for a response, don’t expect to meet Him in the way that seems most convenient. Instead, expect to meet Him in the way you most need (Isaiah 64:3-8).
As someone who is growing in my trust of an infallible Father who will never abandon me, I join voices with Paul the Apostle in praying “that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:18-19).